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In the names of Allah, the talking begin, the words spread, the love shared. Subhanallah Alhamdulillah, I'm feeling so blessed! Another month of struggling has gone, come this days filled with smiles and love from all around, I thought I might fall and forever be underground .. but with Allah's will, anything and everything is possible. Believe so much with all your heart, with all you might, cos Allah won't break your heart. The heart only get stronger and tougher if ones do truly and faithfully believe.

*jaw-dropping* what, talking in English? Pardon the wrong grammar and all, but I just love to talk in English even though I do bad, but hey, never stop trying! Conclusion; never give up even though you feel like to, who knows the light might be a few inches away? Funny I said this, but yes, I used to be that 'loser' kind of person. I was, but I think I'm changing, gradually but surely in syaa Allah.

Okay so basically, I got this new inspiration to write because of the movie I watched yesterday. It's been quite a while since I watch movies, you know, busy with life I'd say, yeahh as if. Laugh with all you might. But no laa, I'm telling the truth here. Cos I've just finished my class for this year so basically I'm in a break, well short one if you ask me. Praise be to Allah indeed, no matter how long or short the break is. Ones should be grateful with all they have rather than whining with what they don't have. But I do whine sometimes. People do. It's a nature of human being, always want the best one, right? Nothing wrong with that, but you just gotta have the limits, and surely give thanks to Allah, the Creator of all.

See? I just LOVE talking! So much talking that sometimes would drive people crazy wishing me to stop for a sec. Well, bare with it. This is who I am, and just let me be. Haha. Well, back to the topic. I watched 'Castle' last night. Some of you might familiar with this movie, but this ain't nothing to do with fairies or magic and stuff. More on solving criminals. So yeah, there was a quote about failures. Don't remember much the details of how the words been put up, but it sounds like this;

" Rejections are not failures, but giving up is a failure. "

I got hit so hard in my heart, knowing that I was actually giving up and that all would actually lead to failures in many ways. Yes, I got rejections many times after one and another, and I could vividly remember how I was soaked with tears and did lots of 'sitting-alone', ponder my life back then, with all the comments from people around me, comments that somehow would bring a heart-shattered,  and some could light up the spirits and make me believe. I still remember this one panel I've been interviewed with, this interview was my chance to get into uni, and I clearly remember what he said, in a very cynical way, 'you know what, my daughter, she got straight A's, you think you can get like that, be like her? Can you? Could you?'

OUCH.
It was indeed like a slap in a face.

But maybe, his intentions was nice, only I get easily touched. Well, it hurts actually, kinda. Only if you know what I mean. Cos not everyone was born to be smart, or have a good living. Everyone have their own struggle. But hey, everyone do have something special in them, sometimes we can't see it doesn't mean is not there, we just gotta believe it. It's like .. it stuck right on our back, hardly to be seen but could actually be felt if ones know how.

It takes time to value yourself, to love yourself, to believe in yourself especially when the world against you.

When the people,
Doubt you. Misjudged you. Break your hope. Shatter your dreams.
But again, Allah knows best.

It was hard, but it worth a try. Because everyone deserves to be happy. And I know I deserve better, so why give up? I picked up all the 'crashed-hopes', all the 'broken-heart', put it all back into one piece, rebuild, repair and recharge. It needs a whole lot of hard work, with the help of Allah for sure.

And it went like that.
Rejections after rejections. I even said to my mum, 'you know ummi .. maybe I was born not to be so smart in academics, or even not the one with degree/master/pHd holders. You know what I mean? Well, I'm sorry ummi. I didn't get what parents want from their children. I'm different, I'm not like them. I'm sorry. Perhaps I was born to be in the house, doing what women's expected to do .. maybe?'

She was calmed. Looked me into the eyes, and take a deep breath before speaking. She said,

'well, everyone is different, every single one on earth. You see, Allah is indeed being fair to us, you might weak at that part, but Allah gives you something else that no one could ever have. You are creative-minded, you can draw, you're an artist. That's the differences. Why be like them when you can be yourself? And what's wrong with staying home?'

Then I said, ' but I don't go uni. I only do hifz studies. It's that okay to you? I mean, kakak and ilah are doing something great out there. But me .. I'm doing something that is .. different .. you know.' Right at this moment I started to cry, couldn't hold much longer .. this tears just need to flow freely..

With a smile ummi said,

'You know ati, not everyone Allah choose to lead this path. Not everyone Allah gives opportunity to do this. If I had chances I would do this earlier at my young age, but now I'm old, I don't have much ability to do it, though I can but slowly. I'm lucky actually. So at least you could bring me to Jannah together, but again, if Allah will. Remember, do it for Allah. Ignore what people would say. It's your life. Choose it wisely.'

I smiled. This is what I should be grateful of, a great people in my life that'd bring me closer to God, that would believe me when no one does. This is what I called a 'family'. Praise be to Allah indeed.

After all that rejections, comes the acceptance. I pushed away the academics stuff and start to consider continue my hifz in Malaysia, somewhere. Same things happened too, rejections happened due to my age. Cos at this point I was expected to do alimah. Hifz was done at an earlier age about 13 years old. Most madrasah were like that, I started feeling hopeless and all. I get this thought that I don't deserve anywhere. But friends of mine would always said, 'If we help His religion then Allah will help you.' Again, I started to build up the confidence, gotta have faith in Allah. No matter what.

Just a few days later, my dad called one of the madrasah that we requested for, then Ustaz said yes, I'm accepted and can enroll in 13th January 2014. Allahuakbar, eventually I get accepted by someone. I've come to realize that rejections indeed are not failures, it needs time. I mean .. everyone faces rejections. It's normal right? It's a part of growing up. It's either you choose to keep on the track or simply off the track by taking the train off. Giving up is what I mean. It's indeed the biggest failure I would say. So why give up?

In syaa Allah,
I'll do what's best for me, and my deen.

Lastly, I pray to Allah the help for Muslims in many countries all over the world. I pray for their happiness and peacefulness, though every things were taken from them but they'd always smile with a big heart knowing that Allah's bless is more than enough. Subhanallah!